Scary Couples

Welcome to the fall, readers! We in the National Love Association greatly anticipate the fall season. It is full of bonfires, hayrides, haunted houses, and plenty of other flirting opportunities. Naturally, this is a season where the skills of a Love Doctor thrive. I would also like to make a point that this is the 10^th Love & Relations article! It’s hard to believe that only 9 months ago the cries of the lonely and love challenged inspired me to create this article.

Well, not only is it fall, but also Halloween is just around the corner! This week’s article will not include a question because from time to time I like to highlight special relationships and feature them in the article. Some of you long time readers might remember the special feature on bromances last year. Since Halloween is coming up, I would like to highlight some especially scary relationships. Woooowhhhooowhooo! That was suppose to be a terrifying sound a ghost makes. I hope it worked. I hope you jumped a little bit or got a cold shiver or you arm hair started to raise or you said, “Man that was scary!”, any one of them. Just as long as you were scared…………….Anyway, so Halloween is coming and here now are some scary relationships that are sure to leave you in a cold sweat and make you sleep with the lights on.

Lizzie & Dave Borden

The rhyme goes, “Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her father 40 whacks. When she saw what she had done she gave her mother 41.” Now someone please tell me how it wouldn’t be scary to be married to this lady. Your wife does something so sinister that there is a jump rope rhyme dedicated to it. Jump ropes aren’t usually thought of to be scary but think about this: every time you jump rope, you have a high probability of being decapitated. Now that’s scary and I’m not just making stuff up, that’s statistics. Not many people know this but Dave Borden was a little bit of a celebrity himself. He was wildly popular for being the inventor of the Toaster Strudel but quickly forgotten after the horrific news of his wife’s killings reached the world. Dave slipped into the shadows to avoid being associated with his wife but he continued to invent things (the Breakfast Toaster Strudel, Pizza Toaster Strudel, Crab Cake Toaster Strudel, General Tso’s Toaster Strudel, and gum). However, it will be his wife, Lizzie Borden, who will always be remember when there is a scary story that needs to be told around a bonfire.

Edgar Allen Poe & Virginia Clemm

Edgar Allen Poe was a magnificent poet, short story writer, and a Grade-A weirdo. There is no doubt that this has to be the strangest relationships to ever have existed (bar Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey). Can you imagine this conversation at the dinner table? “Edgar darling, would you like another buffalo wing?” Virginia would ask him. “Nevermore! Nevermore! I’m full.” Weird. Another scary aspect of this relationship was Edgar’s appearance. He was not what you would call “gifted-in-the-looks-department”. In 1835, Edgar married his 13 year-old cousin, Virginia. I probably don’t have to go any farther to explain how scary this relationship is.

Ray and Debra Barone & Doug and Carrie Heffernan

Now here are two relationships that continually give me the shivers! I am in absolute fear of the wrath of these two wives. I think we are all familiar with the situation, Ray and Doug participate in some wacky plan to sneak out golfing or find a way to watch a ball game with the fellas without their wives finding out. Here’s the thing, the wives always find out! What is scary is how they always know. What is scarier is their reaction to their husband’s stupidity. Debra has an angry stare that will make the viewer pee their pants. Carrie is one of the most physically intimidating women I have ever seen in my life. If I were to be caught in a dark alley with an angry Carrie, I would curl into a little ball and pray that Sweet Jesus would some how save me from the beating I was about to endure. Yes, these are two caring wives who ultimately always forgive their husbands and give them a big ol’ hug to remind them that they love them, but when they get angry run for the hills! Besides, why can’t a guy just go catch a game with the boys? Am I right fellas? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

Jay-Z & Beyonce

What is scary about this relationship is how awesome they are, what good music they make, and how attractive Beyonce is. Jay-Z may have 99 problems but he is most definitely right in saying his “woman” ain’t one. I mean seriously, this has to be one the most artistically explosive relationships to exist! So many hits! Jay-Z just leaks cool and Beyonce has the voice of an angel, an angel with some sista soul power. I just can’t see how it’s a hard knock life for these two. As many of my readers know I have taken a vow of celibacy, but not many people know I did this because Beyonce got married and my hopes were lost. Although Jay-Z is extremely awesome, don’t you ever for a second get to thinking that he’s irreplaceable. If the Jay-Z and Beyonce broke up, I for one would like to be that replacement. No disrespect Jay-Z. Having said that, it is most likely that these two will continue to kick out the tunes and be a scary awesome couple. If you agree with me, just raise your hand to the left, to the left.

Well there you have it, some scary relationships that will leave you with nightmares, wanting to sleep at the end of your parents bed, and bouncing to “Big Pimpin”. Until next time, I hope this Halloween leaves you with plenty of candy when you go trick-or-treating. Remember to check out the L&RRTR blog and to join the facebook group. Peace up, A-town down.

Tales of Instant Messager Relationships

Hello faithful readers! The weather has begun to turn cold and fall has made its presence known. What a perfect time to light a bonfire, grab a pumpkin pie blizzard, and snuggle up with a loved one.

 

I would like start off this week’s column with a new segment. It’s the official L&RRTR Trivia Time. If you can correctly answer the weekly trivia question presented in the column and you email the answer to me at 200806058@panthers.greenville.edu, you will receive a shout-out in the next column and a personalized letter from me, Dr. Crews, or Michael Jordan in your campus mailbox, whoever is available that week. And Michael Jordan is usually pretty busy. So here is this week’s question: What is my favorite holiday? Again, if you can answer this question correctly, email me and receive your shout-out and free prize. Now, for our weekly love question:

 

Dear Dr. Crews,

 

On September 28th at 12:05 in the morning, a new message came into my inbox that I need help with. You see, it is from a guy who used to pursue me my sophomore year of high school; long distance type of thing. We instant messaged for a while, but I soon realized that we had a difference in interests, so I kind of ended it. I haven't heard from him in years, and then this message came: "Hey completely random but I had a dream about you last night lol but just thought I'd say hi! Hope all is well." Dr. Crews! What does this mean? Do you have any wisdom concerning dreaming and ex-interests? Should I dare to respond? If so, what advice do you have concerning the content of the response? I am very much so in love with my boyfriend, Jason, so I don't want to "encourage" another pursuit...

 

Facebook freakout,

Sarah Beth Meyers

Warrenton, Missouri

 

Sarah Beth, what a great question. This is a situation that us doctors in the love field get quite regularly, particularly with college and high school students. This is what we like to call an IMR (Instant Message Relationship). It definitely gives you the willies and creeps you out a little bit. I believe it would be correct to say that we all have been there. It seems in this particular context, you, Sarah, haven’t spoke to him in years and then, out of the blue, this young man returns and tells you he is having dreams about you. Flattering, yet disturbing.

 

Fortunately, I happened to have written a book concerning IMRs. It’s entitled, The Aim of Love: Relations by the Use of Instant Messaging. This book explores the pros and cons of relationships through the media of the World Wide Web. The pros are meeting your potential spouse through eharmony and the cons are a crap load of creepers, sex offenders, and filthy minded men contain practically free reign over they entire Internet. Surprisingly, you seemed to have come across a con. Now that we have identified that this Internet relationship is not one of the warm, fuzzy feeling kind, we need to move on about how to take care of this situation.

 

There are about three different ways to attack this situation: Aggressively, moderately, and lethargically. The lethargic way would be to ignore him. Although, this particular attack is somewhat effective, it is not ideal and hovers around a 24.7 % success rate, which is not good enough. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is the aggressive attack. This one is difficult to pull off but his highly effective. The technique is you respond to your old friend with a message that says, “Hey, this is Sarah’s sister and I just wanted to let you know that Sarah died in a horrific bowling accident. We are all still grieving pretty heavily. I have access to her account so I can keep everyone informed. Please don’t respond. – Serena.” This approach will of course have to be followed by deleting your facebook account, possibly create a new one under a fake name to keep in touch with loved ones, and stay at home except when you are sure you are at a place that you won’t see him. Like I said, it’s aggressive.

 

If you are not up for either of those techniques, then it seems that the moderate attack is the one for you. In the moderate attack you basically respond to your old friend with statements that sorta, kinda compromise your morality by sorta, kinda lying but it’s not reallllly lying and you ultimately convince yourself that there is no other way of doing it and you have to because you don’t want to lead this guy on and hurt his feelings when in reality you just don’t really want anything to do with him. This is the most common technique. You give him answers like, “Yeah, I’m married. Actually, I am really busy this weekend. I just dropped my phone and it doesn’t work, so there is no use giving you my phone number,” those sorts of statements.

 

With these three attacks, you are sure to put an end to that IMR. Thanks for the question, Sarah. What a relevant question for today’s youth of America!

 

That just about does it for this week’s column. On last thing is an opportunity for all you single-ladies (Beyonce, anyone?) out there. After weeks of badgering on behalf of my roommate to feature him in the article so to remedy his singleness, I have decided to do so. Jarrod Beasley is 19 years young, with a killer beard and a love for metal. In his spare time he likes to put together puzzles, play farkle (thanks to me), watch football, perform in the campus Improv Troupe, and go on bike rides. Jarrod’s top two goals for his tenure at Greenville College are to 1) Receive an excellent education and 2) find his wife. This is your opportunity to meet the boy of your dreams. He can be contacted by facebook or at 618-334-0916.

 

Well thank you again Sarah and good luck Jarrod! As for me, I will see you in two weeks. Join the facebook group and love your neighbor!

Healthcare Kisses After Bedtime Prayers

Hello Again! Thank you for such the warm support of last week’s column. As I had imagined, many of you have experiences where you can compare your love life with the thrill of roller coasters. As I was preparing for my column, I have noticed several of you responding with burning question. I think the note I hove chosen below highlights best everyone’s concern that has written in. So although I will be writing like I am responding to just Jessica, it really is a column for all of you out there who’s marriage is feeling the same strain as this letter.

 

Dear Dr. Crews,

            I’m writing you because I have found quite the problem between my husband and I. You see, we are divided over the issue of Healthcare. I am for reform and a universal system, supporting President Obama. My husband thinks that the system is the best how it is and is not in support of the President at all concerning this issue. I don’t know. It has lead to much anger and rage in our family. We husband and I begin to dialogue about this issue and it soon turns to me hurling the lamp at him (which, I am said to say, really happened). It really is affecting our family. Please help!

 

Jessica Martz,

Lake Roak, Colorado

 

Wow, what a powerful letter, Jessica. I have spent quite some time thinking about this issue and I hope to find a way for you and your husband could better communicate because it might be the saving grace for your marriage. Luckily for me, since I am not seeing anyone (eh eh eh, call me up ladies?….just kidding, don’t do that) it hasn’t caused a strain in my love life but I think we can all understand this issue in the context of conversations with our family and friends. After all, it is a proven fact that our family and friends just aren’t as intelligent as we are. Let me throw a few suggestions for you and your husband, Jessica.

 

One thing you need to learn is how to have healthy dialogues again. One way you can go about doing this is by asking each other a question that you both already know the answer to. That way, there is no dispute about the answer and you are both able to dialogue civilly and not blow up at each other. For example, if you ask your husband, “Which do you prefer, Lethal Weapon I, II, III, or IV?” He would respond, “Oh, without a doubt Lethal Weapon IV!” Which is, of course, the right answer. “Are you kidding me? Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Joe Pesci, AND Chris Rock?” Then you both will be able to have hours of conversation that you find are enjoyable and you both can agree. If you were to ask him, “Jiff or Peter Pan?” He would respond, “Well choosy moms choose Jiff and I would have to agree with that.” Again, endless and pleasant discussion for you and your loved one.

 

Here is another suggestion that I think you should implement into your family’s life. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. Rabbi’s have this tradition that if you say something three times in a row, out loud, then it becomes written on a star or copyrighted or something to that effect. So go ahead say it out loud. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. If your husband asks you, “Did you hear what President Obama said today?” You should respond, “I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that name.” Your husband, “Jessica are your messing with me?” You, “Ohh! I just remembered I forgot Stacy at soccer practice!” Crisis averted. You run out of that house like bobcat and drive towards freedom. And honestly, you should probably just do that every time you start talking about politics. Of course, you are going to have to think of a lot of excuses and keep them in your blackberry. This way all of your conversations remain stress free and you will find that you and your husband are reaching new depths of love.

 

One last suggestion that should be helpful for you is to drop healthcare and consider what it’s like to not have it. I really am not in the position to say which policy is best or who is right and who is wrong. My expertise is in love, not government, but perhaps you might consider both viewpoints of the argument. That’s what we do in the Love and Relations field. Perhaps you might find the some blessings in what you have now. Perhaps you might find the difficulty of not having it. Perhaps to the answer to “Should healthcare be reformed or should we keep the system we have?” is yes. Again, I know nothing concern American government so you should talk to people on both sides of the argument. To quote my great friend, G. K. Chesterton, “The truth is that people who worship health cannot remain healthy.” Perhaps that applies to healthcare as well.

 

Well there you have it Jessica and all the other readers who were brave enough to write in. I truly appreciate it! Keep sending your questions and I will answer them as best as I can. Don’t forget to check out the facebook group Love & Relations Relating to Relationships or the blog http://relationsrelatingtorelationships.blogspot.com/. This one is dedicated to my homies.