A Detailed Look Into On-line Dating

Hellllllllo readers! I am very excited to bring you this article! We will not be answering any questions this week because I am bringing you a very special article. As you may have noticed, I have been absent for the past few weeks. That is because I have been doing research for this week. This week’s article is all dedicated to online dating services. Yes, that is corrected. I went undercover into the world of online dating services to tell you about some of the amazing opportunities and horrors that people experience when they use the internet to find a partner.

Online dating services seem to be really beneficial for people. The people that appear on the television commercials seem to be really happy, anyway. I must admit, even though I know almost everything there is to know about this thing we call love, I didn’t know very much about online dating services. I thought that this year was the time to find out what all those people on the eharmony commercials were smiling about.

The experiment first kicked off when I was watching television with my colleague and roommate, Dr. Beasley. A commercial advertising a free weekend on chemistry.com came on between shows. That is when I know that this opportunity was now or never. At the very least we were going to learn about online dating and at most we were going to find wives, we obviously we hoping for the best. I convinced my colleague to join me on this endeavor through the world wide web. We went to chemistry.com to sign up for a free profile and took a 45 minute long personality test. The personality test was very detailed (obviously, if it took 45 minutes). By the end of the test, chemistry.com knew exactly how many freckles were on my face and how many times I’ve blinked so far in my life. That’s how well it knew me. Dr. Beas (his nickname, and how he affectionately will be referred to as for the rest of the article) experiences a similar situation. After we finished our personality tests, chemistry.com immediately matched me with 10 prospective partners. Dr. Beas literally had no matches for three days. My matches were pretty interesting. Underneath the names of my matches were the taglines that were suppose to “intrigue” you to get to know that person better. Some of the better taglines were “Looking for ‘him’”,” I am a petite blond who loves to have fun”, “Down to earth, sweet, funny small-town girl”, “Country girl looking for a good, honest man”, “The Ukulele Lady”, “You can't drive by a park and not let me play! The kid in me pitches a fit”, “The love bunny”, and finally, “Might as well...” None of those taglines have been altered. I started to question what sort of chemistry I had with any of these women. Eventually, Dr Beasley received some matches. I ended up with 24 matches on chemistry.com before it finally gave up on me and stopped matching me with people. It was an interesting process, but ultimately chemistry.com did not produce the bountiful amount of honeys that we were anticipating.

After Dr. Beas and I signed up for chemistry.com, we took another 45 minute personality test and signed up for a free profile on eharmony.com. Before I go any farther into the story of my experiment, let me first say that our results were probably skewed. First of all, neither one of us paid money to use the full service of either website. Therefore we did not get the full experience. We couldn’t communicate with our matches on either website (let’s just assume that women would be swooning all over us if we could have). Many people invest a lot into these dating websites and, in return, find a great partner to compliment them for the rest of their lives. Dr. Beasley and I tried to get the most we could out of these websites without dropping a dime. It turns out it’s not a lot you can get.

Now returning to eharmony, it was another interesting experience. I actually enjoyed the eharmony personality test better than chemistry.com. The tests are made up of questions that ask you about you (duhhhhhhhhh), your interests, what you look for in a partner’s personality, and what you look for in a partner’s physical appearance. Once the personality test was finished, eharmony immediately began to match me with lots of women. What was unfortunate was that you couldn’t see any pictures of the women it matched you up with unless I dished out the Benjamins! Now I know what your thinking. All you care about is looks? What a tool! The answer to your question is no. However, being attracted to someone is very important in a romantic relationship. Second of all it was virtually impossible to distinguish these women from each other just using their profiles. Every single match said that God was the important thing their life and their grandma was their biggest influence growing up. Every single one. Every. Single. One.

Another strange thing about eharmony was the amount of matches that eharmony gave me. After only a month, eharmony matched me up with 228 women. 228 women!!!!!!! I started to wonder how much eharmony truly cared about who my one true soul mate was. Apparently they had 228 guesses.

Well, in short, that is what Dr. Beasley and I gleaned from our escapades on internet dating websites. Again, our research wasn’t as in depth as it could have been (you can send money to CPO 495 if you would like to fund our next experiment), but I hope to continue on with my research and I will continue to update you, my readers, on the online dating scene.

That Dang Dear Abby

Hey readers! What a beautiful week it has been for the first week of March. The weather is starting to warm, the birds are chirping, and college students all over the country are selling furniture and giving blood in order to make enough money to by a ring just before the end of the school year. As the saying goes, “Ring by spring or your money back!” I, for one, am still waiting on a pretty large check from Greenville if this statement is to be taken literally (and I believe it is).

As for the article this week, I have a pretty embarrassing confession. I received a question from an eager reader that I did not hesitate to answer. I thought over what would be the best response for my reader and then spent a day or two articulating what I thought the best solution to her problem was. Here is the problem; she didn’t mean to write that question to me, she meant to write the question to that OTHER columnist, Dear Abby! She didn’t even want my advice. My longtime readers will know that Dear Abby is my greatest rival! We have been competing columnist for quite some time now, going all the way back to when we attended Princeton together. I met her my senior year and we deeply fell in love with each other, however things went south. She was the one I let slip through my hands and we have been battling over the love advice world ever since.

Anyway, here is the question meant for Dear Abby, but probably answered better by me:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three children, so our social life revolves mostly around them, our families and church. Although I am considered quite attractive, I always dress very conservatively. My husband and I have planned a long, romantic weekend getaway at a resort about 300 miles from here. I have been considering wearing some sexy outfits when we go out to dinner and to the nightclub at the resort. Normally, I'd feel uncomfortable dressing "wild and sexy," but since it's highly unlikely that we'll run into anyone we know there, I think it would be fun. My husband always loved it when I wore miniskirts, so I know how he would feel about it. Can you offer your opinion? I can't ask any of my friends about this because I'm afraid they might gossip about my private life. -- USUALLY SHY IN THE NORTHEAST

Well, USUALLY SHY IN THE NORTHEAST, I have read what my friend and colleague, Dear Abby has told you and let ME tell YOU that she is most definitely WRONG! Go for it sista. If you are sure that you would feel comfortable and your husband will too, then let loose! Abby may not feel comfortable with this, but I think we all might agree that she is pretty old and a prude about these things. Just because she doesn’t have the goods to show off any more doesn’t mean that you should follow her Amish example.

Honey, if you are going out to a nice romantic dinner or a nightclub, why not put on something a little fun! Just remember, you are dressing fancy for the attention of your husband and not for the attention of other men. Also, when you dress up there is a line between class and classless, just know where that line ends.

Listen to me, if you are wanting a fun and romantic weekend with your hubby, you can’t dress up like a butter-churner, as Abby would have you to believe. The “Little House on the Prairie” look probably isn’t what your husband has in mind for “sexy and wild” (Although, your husband dressing up like Michael Landon, might actually work for him). We all know that Abby is just jealous and she is taking it out on you. The Mennonite look is not sexy now and it won’t be sexy ever, trust me.

Yours,

Dr. Crews

There you have it folks. Another reader saved from the terrible advice of Dear Abby. No doubt that once she gets a hold of this article, it will only add fuel to the fire of our rivalry. Are you all familiar with Team Edward and Team Jacob or Team Conan and….well I don’t really know anyone that joined Team Leno, but there probably were two or three people who did. Anyway, it may come to that. When it does, I trust that my faithful readers will stand up, answer the call, and join Team CREWS!

A Man's Man Interview

Hey everybody! I hope you have been enjoying all the snow we have been getting. This week I would like to jump right into the article since we have a very special feature this week. I did not take the opportunity to answer any questions because I scored a great interview. Two weekends ago, I had the privilege to deliver the keynote address at the yearly Man’s Man Conference. In case you are unfamiliar with the Man’s Man Conference, it’s a conference that celebrates some of the manliest men to ever grace the Earth. Just a few men who I had the honor to spend time with were Sean Connery, Daniel Craig, Colin Mochrie from Whose Line Is It Anyway, Neil Diamond, Johnny Depp, Barack Obama, and Michael Cera. The conference had various seminars you could attend like “What It Takes To Be A Hunk”, “The Pros and Greater Pros of Beards”, “A Man’s Man With Brains” and many other lectures. The big news is that I caught a rare interview with Russell Crowe, Brad Pitt, and Denzel Washington about it means to be a man’s man. The following is excerpt from that interview.

Dr. Crews: You guys are obviously the poster boys for the man’s man movement, how does this mean to you?

Russell Crowe: Obviously I take a great deal of pride in this movement. As a young actor, some of the older male actors really made fun of me for not being “manly enough” but that all changed after my movie “Gladiator.” I don’t know if you’ve seen it lately but that’s a pretty manly movie, one of the manliest. NO ONE makes fun of me now [laughs]. I try to remember where I used to be and try to let the young actors know that they can be a man’s man too, if they try really hard.

Brad Pitt: Yeah, like Russ, we are just extremely flattered to front this great movement.

Denzel Washington: Most definitely.

Dr.C: What are some causes or movements that you are helping with in the man’s man movement.

DW: I personally have been trying to combat men wearing briefs for a couple years now. I just can’t believe it. Grown men wearing briefs? The only way to go for a man’s man is to wear boxers and at the very least boxer-briefs are ok. With organization I’m with, Briefs Be Gone, we hope to put an end to brief wearing by 2015.

RC: Wow, Denz, that’s great. I recently joined a charity called “Stop Locker Room Rock”. You know when you walk into a high school locker room and a member of the football team is playing just God-awful music at full blast, attempting to get “pumped up”. That‘s what we are trying to put a stop too. We’ve helped a lot of people already.

BP: For me, I have been working on some legislation that would allow John Mayer to keep making music but keep him as far away as humanly possible from any sort of female life. It’s really going to do some good.

Dr.C: Brad, when did it first occur to you that you were a man’s man?

BR: Ohh goodness [laughs]. Let’s see. I think it was in December my sophomore year in college. I remember I wore jeans, a sweater, and a dress shirt underneath the sweater. When I got back to my dorm room, it was really warm so I took off the sweater. I looked in the mirror and realized that I was wearing jeans with a tucked-in dress shirt and it didn’t nerdy or like I was home-schooled. That’s when I knew.

Dr.C: What’s the manliest television show on the air these days?

DW: I think it is without a doubt Survivor, just because Survivor is greatest television show ever created, not counting David Letterman.

BP: Ohh yeah, David is king. There is no doubt about that.

RC: Yeah, but Dave is late night so I think you would to categorize Survivor as manliest primetime show and Dave as the manliest late night show.

DW: That’s a great way to put it

Dr.C: A manly piece of advice for our readers?

BP: When doing laundry, don’t forget to do separate loads for your whites and colors. I always forget man [laughs]

RC: It’s always best to leave your top three buttons unbuttoned when wearing a button up shirt. That’s as manly as it gets.

DW: Clothes make the man, but a good pair of socks make a man’s man.

Dr.C: Thanks guys.

So there you go readers. If you are struggling or have a friend who is struggling with what it means to be a man’s man, please take this interview to heart and I hope it can shed some light into your life. Until next time, make sure to give at least one handshake, one hug, and one high-five.

Romantic Movies!

Hello readers! It’s good to be back on campus after a long winter break. Just to update you on what’s been up in the life of Dr. Crews, I released my wildly anticipated and wildly acclaimed book, Love with Wings: A Deep Look Into the Socioeconomic Love Patterns In the Disney Movie, D2: Mighty Ducks. Let me tell you folks, this is a great book and a nabbed a once in a lifetime interview with Emilio Estevez. If you have room on the bookshelf, do me and do yourselves a favor by adding this book to your collection. I also had the privilege of going on a book tour in Europe with my dear friend, Nicholas Sparks. As you may recall Nicholas and I went on a backpacking trip along the paths of Italy this summer and it was good to be reunited with an old friend. We shared many amazing experiences including me having the privilege to read my new book to the Queen of England.

Well this week instead of answering some questions I thought it would be helpful to compile a guide to classic romantic movies you can watch with your significant other this upcoming Valentine’s Day. This is a sure-fire way for you to rekindle some of the spark you may have lost during the busy holiday season or because of the depressing February weather. Let’s get started!

Forrest Gump

Not only is this movie one of the all-time greatest romances, it’s one of the all-time greatest movies ever! Better than Citizen Cane! This movie really pulls at the heartstrings. Tom Hanks plays the sort of character he is usually typecasted as, great men in unfortunate situations (Just think of his character in Philadelphia with aids or his character in The Da Vinci Code with that haircut). Watching this movie with your partner will provide plenty of laughs and before you know you will be sobbing (or maybe snogging) all over each other. Just a word for the wise, do not attempt to hold your partners hands during the Vietnam scenes. Chose either to make the move before or after but not during the Vietnam scene. Vietnam wasn’t really that romantic.

Casablanca

Holy cow, folks. Casablanca is like the Bible of romance movies. Casablanca is like the Michael Jordan of romance movies. Casablanca is like the Ken Jennings of romance movies. It is IMPOSSIBLE to watch this movie without growing more in love with the person beside you (which is a good reason not to watch this movie with someone you have absolutely no intention of dating). Have you ever seen a couple where one person is extremely attractive and the other person is not? Have you ever wondered why? This movie is the reason. Somehow that “other person” got the very attractive person to watch Casablanca with them. If you are someone who is unattractive, you should really try to use this strategy. It never fails. This movie really tugs at the heartstrings.

A Goofy Movie

Casablanca may be considered the greatest romantic movie of all time, but there is no doubt that A Goofy Movie comes in a close second. And I mean a close second. Not only is it a fantastic movie, but A Goofy Movie has the greatest soundtrack of all time! Based on a true story, A Goofy Movie portrays the journey of Max Goof as he tries to impress his crush and his cross-country trip with his Dad. It really tugs at the heartstrings.

Well there you have it. Chose any (or all) of these three movies and you are guaranteed to have the best Valentine’s day ever! You will have the Michael Jordan of all Valentine’s Days! You will have the Ken Jennings of all Valentine’s Days! These movies are sure to tug at the heartstrings. Also, I wanted to say Happy Birthday to Love & Relations Relating to Relationships as we celebrate one year here at the L&RRTR headquarters.