A Detailed Look Into On-line Dating

Hellllllllo readers! I am very excited to bring you this article! We will not be answering any questions this week because I am bringing you a very special article. As you may have noticed, I have been absent for the past few weeks. That is because I have been doing research for this week. This week’s article is all dedicated to online dating services. Yes, that is corrected. I went undercover into the world of online dating services to tell you about some of the amazing opportunities and horrors that people experience when they use the internet to find a partner.

Online dating services seem to be really beneficial for people. The people that appear on the television commercials seem to be really happy, anyway. I must admit, even though I know almost everything there is to know about this thing we call love, I didn’t know very much about online dating services. I thought that this year was the time to find out what all those people on the eharmony commercials were smiling about.

The experiment first kicked off when I was watching television with my colleague and roommate, Dr. Beasley. A commercial advertising a free weekend on chemistry.com came on between shows. That is when I know that this opportunity was now or never. At the very least we were going to learn about online dating and at most we were going to find wives, we obviously we hoping for the best. I convinced my colleague to join me on this endeavor through the world wide web. We went to chemistry.com to sign up for a free profile and took a 45 minute long personality test. The personality test was very detailed (obviously, if it took 45 minutes). By the end of the test, chemistry.com knew exactly how many freckles were on my face and how many times I’ve blinked so far in my life. That’s how well it knew me. Dr. Beas (his nickname, and how he affectionately will be referred to as for the rest of the article) experiences a similar situation. After we finished our personality tests, chemistry.com immediately matched me with 10 prospective partners. Dr. Beas literally had no matches for three days. My matches were pretty interesting. Underneath the names of my matches were the taglines that were suppose to “intrigue” you to get to know that person better. Some of the better taglines were “Looking for ‘him’”,” I am a petite blond who loves to have fun”, “Down to earth, sweet, funny small-town girl”, “Country girl looking for a good, honest man”, “The Ukulele Lady”, “You can't drive by a park and not let me play! The kid in me pitches a fit”, “The love bunny”, and finally, “Might as well...” None of those taglines have been altered. I started to question what sort of chemistry I had with any of these women. Eventually, Dr Beasley received some matches. I ended up with 24 matches on chemistry.com before it finally gave up on me and stopped matching me with people. It was an interesting process, but ultimately chemistry.com did not produce the bountiful amount of honeys that we were anticipating.

After Dr. Beas and I signed up for chemistry.com, we took another 45 minute personality test and signed up for a free profile on eharmony.com. Before I go any farther into the story of my experiment, let me first say that our results were probably skewed. First of all, neither one of us paid money to use the full service of either website. Therefore we did not get the full experience. We couldn’t communicate with our matches on either website (let’s just assume that women would be swooning all over us if we could have). Many people invest a lot into these dating websites and, in return, find a great partner to compliment them for the rest of their lives. Dr. Beasley and I tried to get the most we could out of these websites without dropping a dime. It turns out it’s not a lot you can get.

Now returning to eharmony, it was another interesting experience. I actually enjoyed the eharmony personality test better than chemistry.com. The tests are made up of questions that ask you about you (duhhhhhhhhh), your interests, what you look for in a partner’s personality, and what you look for in a partner’s physical appearance. Once the personality test was finished, eharmony immediately began to match me with lots of women. What was unfortunate was that you couldn’t see any pictures of the women it matched you up with unless I dished out the Benjamins! Now I know what your thinking. All you care about is looks? What a tool! The answer to your question is no. However, being attracted to someone is very important in a romantic relationship. Second of all it was virtually impossible to distinguish these women from each other just using their profiles. Every single match said that God was the important thing their life and their grandma was their biggest influence growing up. Every single one. Every. Single. One.

Another strange thing about eharmony was the amount of matches that eharmony gave me. After only a month, eharmony matched me up with 228 women. 228 women!!!!!!! I started to wonder how much eharmony truly cared about who my one true soul mate was. Apparently they had 228 guesses.

Well, in short, that is what Dr. Beasley and I gleaned from our escapades on internet dating websites. Again, our research wasn’t as in depth as it could have been (you can send money to CPO 495 if you would like to fund our next experiment), but I hope to continue on with my research and I will continue to update you, my readers, on the online dating scene.

That Dang Dear Abby

Hey readers! What a beautiful week it has been for the first week of March. The weather is starting to warm, the birds are chirping, and college students all over the country are selling furniture and giving blood in order to make enough money to by a ring just before the end of the school year. As the saying goes, “Ring by spring or your money back!” I, for one, am still waiting on a pretty large check from Greenville if this statement is to be taken literally (and I believe it is).

As for the article this week, I have a pretty embarrassing confession. I received a question from an eager reader that I did not hesitate to answer. I thought over what would be the best response for my reader and then spent a day or two articulating what I thought the best solution to her problem was. Here is the problem; she didn’t mean to write that question to me, she meant to write the question to that OTHER columnist, Dear Abby! She didn’t even want my advice. My longtime readers will know that Dear Abby is my greatest rival! We have been competing columnist for quite some time now, going all the way back to when we attended Princeton together. I met her my senior year and we deeply fell in love with each other, however things went south. She was the one I let slip through my hands and we have been battling over the love advice world ever since.

Anyway, here is the question meant for Dear Abby, but probably answered better by me:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three children, so our social life revolves mostly around them, our families and church. Although I am considered quite attractive, I always dress very conservatively. My husband and I have planned a long, romantic weekend getaway at a resort about 300 miles from here. I have been considering wearing some sexy outfits when we go out to dinner and to the nightclub at the resort. Normally, I'd feel uncomfortable dressing "wild and sexy," but since it's highly unlikely that we'll run into anyone we know there, I think it would be fun. My husband always loved it when I wore miniskirts, so I know how he would feel about it. Can you offer your opinion? I can't ask any of my friends about this because I'm afraid they might gossip about my private life. -- USUALLY SHY IN THE NORTHEAST

Well, USUALLY SHY IN THE NORTHEAST, I have read what my friend and colleague, Dear Abby has told you and let ME tell YOU that she is most definitely WRONG! Go for it sista. If you are sure that you would feel comfortable and your husband will too, then let loose! Abby may not feel comfortable with this, but I think we all might agree that she is pretty old and a prude about these things. Just because she doesn’t have the goods to show off any more doesn’t mean that you should follow her Amish example.

Honey, if you are going out to a nice romantic dinner or a nightclub, why not put on something a little fun! Just remember, you are dressing fancy for the attention of your husband and not for the attention of other men. Also, when you dress up there is a line between class and classless, just know where that line ends.

Listen to me, if you are wanting a fun and romantic weekend with your hubby, you can’t dress up like a butter-churner, as Abby would have you to believe. The “Little House on the Prairie” look probably isn’t what your husband has in mind for “sexy and wild” (Although, your husband dressing up like Michael Landon, might actually work for him). We all know that Abby is just jealous and she is taking it out on you. The Mennonite look is not sexy now and it won’t be sexy ever, trust me.

Yours,

Dr. Crews

There you have it folks. Another reader saved from the terrible advice of Dear Abby. No doubt that once she gets a hold of this article, it will only add fuel to the fire of our rivalry. Are you all familiar with Team Edward and Team Jacob or Team Conan and….well I don’t really know anyone that joined Team Leno, but there probably were two or three people who did. Anyway, it may come to that. When it does, I trust that my faithful readers will stand up, answer the call, and join Team CREWS!