A Detailed Look Into On-line Dating

Hellllllllo readers! I am very excited to bring you this article! We will not be answering any questions this week because I am bringing you a very special article. As you may have noticed, I have been absent for the past few weeks. That is because I have been doing research for this week. This week’s article is all dedicated to online dating services. Yes, that is corrected. I went undercover into the world of online dating services to tell you about some of the amazing opportunities and horrors that people experience when they use the internet to find a partner.

Online dating services seem to be really beneficial for people. The people that appear on the television commercials seem to be really happy, anyway. I must admit, even though I know almost everything there is to know about this thing we call love, I didn’t know very much about online dating services. I thought that this year was the time to find out what all those people on the eharmony commercials were smiling about.

The experiment first kicked off when I was watching television with my colleague and roommate, Dr. Beasley. A commercial advertising a free weekend on chemistry.com came on between shows. That is when I know that this opportunity was now or never. At the very least we were going to learn about online dating and at most we were going to find wives, we obviously we hoping for the best. I convinced my colleague to join me on this endeavor through the world wide web. We went to chemistry.com to sign up for a free profile and took a 45 minute long personality test. The personality test was very detailed (obviously, if it took 45 minutes). By the end of the test, chemistry.com knew exactly how many freckles were on my face and how many times I’ve blinked so far in my life. That’s how well it knew me. Dr. Beas (his nickname, and how he affectionately will be referred to as for the rest of the article) experiences a similar situation. After we finished our personality tests, chemistry.com immediately matched me with 10 prospective partners. Dr. Beas literally had no matches for three days. My matches were pretty interesting. Underneath the names of my matches were the taglines that were suppose to “intrigue” you to get to know that person better. Some of the better taglines were “Looking for ‘him’”,” I am a petite blond who loves to have fun”, “Down to earth, sweet, funny small-town girl”, “Country girl looking for a good, honest man”, “The Ukulele Lady”, “You can't drive by a park and not let me play! The kid in me pitches a fit”, “The love bunny”, and finally, “Might as well...” None of those taglines have been altered. I started to question what sort of chemistry I had with any of these women. Eventually, Dr Beasley received some matches. I ended up with 24 matches on chemistry.com before it finally gave up on me and stopped matching me with people. It was an interesting process, but ultimately chemistry.com did not produce the bountiful amount of honeys that we were anticipating.

After Dr. Beas and I signed up for chemistry.com, we took another 45 minute personality test and signed up for a free profile on eharmony.com. Before I go any farther into the story of my experiment, let me first say that our results were probably skewed. First of all, neither one of us paid money to use the full service of either website. Therefore we did not get the full experience. We couldn’t communicate with our matches on either website (let’s just assume that women would be swooning all over us if we could have). Many people invest a lot into these dating websites and, in return, find a great partner to compliment them for the rest of their lives. Dr. Beasley and I tried to get the most we could out of these websites without dropping a dime. It turns out it’s not a lot you can get.

Now returning to eharmony, it was another interesting experience. I actually enjoyed the eharmony personality test better than chemistry.com. The tests are made up of questions that ask you about you (duhhhhhhhhh), your interests, what you look for in a partner’s personality, and what you look for in a partner’s physical appearance. Once the personality test was finished, eharmony immediately began to match me with lots of women. What was unfortunate was that you couldn’t see any pictures of the women it matched you up with unless I dished out the Benjamins! Now I know what your thinking. All you care about is looks? What a tool! The answer to your question is no. However, being attracted to someone is very important in a romantic relationship. Second of all it was virtually impossible to distinguish these women from each other just using their profiles. Every single match said that God was the important thing their life and their grandma was their biggest influence growing up. Every single one. Every. Single. One.

Another strange thing about eharmony was the amount of matches that eharmony gave me. After only a month, eharmony matched me up with 228 women. 228 women!!!!!!! I started to wonder how much eharmony truly cared about who my one true soul mate was. Apparently they had 228 guesses.

Well, in short, that is what Dr. Beasley and I gleaned from our escapades on internet dating websites. Again, our research wasn’t as in depth as it could have been (you can send money to CPO 495 if you would like to fund our next experiment), but I hope to continue on with my research and I will continue to update you, my readers, on the online dating scene.

That Dang Dear Abby

Hey readers! What a beautiful week it has been for the first week of March. The weather is starting to warm, the birds are chirping, and college students all over the country are selling furniture and giving blood in order to make enough money to by a ring just before the end of the school year. As the saying goes, “Ring by spring or your money back!” I, for one, am still waiting on a pretty large check from Greenville if this statement is to be taken literally (and I believe it is).

As for the article this week, I have a pretty embarrassing confession. I received a question from an eager reader that I did not hesitate to answer. I thought over what would be the best response for my reader and then spent a day or two articulating what I thought the best solution to her problem was. Here is the problem; she didn’t mean to write that question to me, she meant to write the question to that OTHER columnist, Dear Abby! She didn’t even want my advice. My longtime readers will know that Dear Abby is my greatest rival! We have been competing columnist for quite some time now, going all the way back to when we attended Princeton together. I met her my senior year and we deeply fell in love with each other, however things went south. She was the one I let slip through my hands and we have been battling over the love advice world ever since.

Anyway, here is the question meant for Dear Abby, but probably answered better by me:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three children, so our social life revolves mostly around them, our families and church. Although I am considered quite attractive, I always dress very conservatively. My husband and I have planned a long, romantic weekend getaway at a resort about 300 miles from here. I have been considering wearing some sexy outfits when we go out to dinner and to the nightclub at the resort. Normally, I'd feel uncomfortable dressing "wild and sexy," but since it's highly unlikely that we'll run into anyone we know there, I think it would be fun. My husband always loved it when I wore miniskirts, so I know how he would feel about it. Can you offer your opinion? I can't ask any of my friends about this because I'm afraid they might gossip about my private life. -- USUALLY SHY IN THE NORTHEAST

Well, USUALLY SHY IN THE NORTHEAST, I have read what my friend and colleague, Dear Abby has told you and let ME tell YOU that she is most definitely WRONG! Go for it sista. If you are sure that you would feel comfortable and your husband will too, then let loose! Abby may not feel comfortable with this, but I think we all might agree that she is pretty old and a prude about these things. Just because she doesn’t have the goods to show off any more doesn’t mean that you should follow her Amish example.

Honey, if you are going out to a nice romantic dinner or a nightclub, why not put on something a little fun! Just remember, you are dressing fancy for the attention of your husband and not for the attention of other men. Also, when you dress up there is a line between class and classless, just know where that line ends.

Listen to me, if you are wanting a fun and romantic weekend with your hubby, you can’t dress up like a butter-churner, as Abby would have you to believe. The “Little House on the Prairie” look probably isn’t what your husband has in mind for “sexy and wild” (Although, your husband dressing up like Michael Landon, might actually work for him). We all know that Abby is just jealous and she is taking it out on you. The Mennonite look is not sexy now and it won’t be sexy ever, trust me.

Yours,

Dr. Crews

There you have it folks. Another reader saved from the terrible advice of Dear Abby. No doubt that once she gets a hold of this article, it will only add fuel to the fire of our rivalry. Are you all familiar with Team Edward and Team Jacob or Team Conan and….well I don’t really know anyone that joined Team Leno, but there probably were two or three people who did. Anyway, it may come to that. When it does, I trust that my faithful readers will stand up, answer the call, and join Team CREWS!

A Man's Man Interview

Hey everybody! I hope you have been enjoying all the snow we have been getting. This week I would like to jump right into the article since we have a very special feature this week. I did not take the opportunity to answer any questions because I scored a great interview. Two weekends ago, I had the privilege to deliver the keynote address at the yearly Man’s Man Conference. In case you are unfamiliar with the Man’s Man Conference, it’s a conference that celebrates some of the manliest men to ever grace the Earth. Just a few men who I had the honor to spend time with were Sean Connery, Daniel Craig, Colin Mochrie from Whose Line Is It Anyway, Neil Diamond, Johnny Depp, Barack Obama, and Michael Cera. The conference had various seminars you could attend like “What It Takes To Be A Hunk”, “The Pros and Greater Pros of Beards”, “A Man’s Man With Brains” and many other lectures. The big news is that I caught a rare interview with Russell Crowe, Brad Pitt, and Denzel Washington about it means to be a man’s man. The following is excerpt from that interview.

Dr. Crews: You guys are obviously the poster boys for the man’s man movement, how does this mean to you?

Russell Crowe: Obviously I take a great deal of pride in this movement. As a young actor, some of the older male actors really made fun of me for not being “manly enough” but that all changed after my movie “Gladiator.” I don’t know if you’ve seen it lately but that’s a pretty manly movie, one of the manliest. NO ONE makes fun of me now [laughs]. I try to remember where I used to be and try to let the young actors know that they can be a man’s man too, if they try really hard.

Brad Pitt: Yeah, like Russ, we are just extremely flattered to front this great movement.

Denzel Washington: Most definitely.

Dr.C: What are some causes or movements that you are helping with in the man’s man movement.

DW: I personally have been trying to combat men wearing briefs for a couple years now. I just can’t believe it. Grown men wearing briefs? The only way to go for a man’s man is to wear boxers and at the very least boxer-briefs are ok. With organization I’m with, Briefs Be Gone, we hope to put an end to brief wearing by 2015.

RC: Wow, Denz, that’s great. I recently joined a charity called “Stop Locker Room Rock”. You know when you walk into a high school locker room and a member of the football team is playing just God-awful music at full blast, attempting to get “pumped up”. That‘s what we are trying to put a stop too. We’ve helped a lot of people already.

BP: For me, I have been working on some legislation that would allow John Mayer to keep making music but keep him as far away as humanly possible from any sort of female life. It’s really going to do some good.

Dr.C: Brad, when did it first occur to you that you were a man’s man?

BR: Ohh goodness [laughs]. Let’s see. I think it was in December my sophomore year in college. I remember I wore jeans, a sweater, and a dress shirt underneath the sweater. When I got back to my dorm room, it was really warm so I took off the sweater. I looked in the mirror and realized that I was wearing jeans with a tucked-in dress shirt and it didn’t nerdy or like I was home-schooled. That’s when I knew.

Dr.C: What’s the manliest television show on the air these days?

DW: I think it is without a doubt Survivor, just because Survivor is greatest television show ever created, not counting David Letterman.

BP: Ohh yeah, David is king. There is no doubt about that.

RC: Yeah, but Dave is late night so I think you would to categorize Survivor as manliest primetime show and Dave as the manliest late night show.

DW: That’s a great way to put it

Dr.C: A manly piece of advice for our readers?

BP: When doing laundry, don’t forget to do separate loads for your whites and colors. I always forget man [laughs]

RC: It’s always best to leave your top three buttons unbuttoned when wearing a button up shirt. That’s as manly as it gets.

DW: Clothes make the man, but a good pair of socks make a man’s man.

Dr.C: Thanks guys.

So there you go readers. If you are struggling or have a friend who is struggling with what it means to be a man’s man, please take this interview to heart and I hope it can shed some light into your life. Until next time, make sure to give at least one handshake, one hug, and one high-five.

Romantic Movies!

Hello readers! It’s good to be back on campus after a long winter break. Just to update you on what’s been up in the life of Dr. Crews, I released my wildly anticipated and wildly acclaimed book, Love with Wings: A Deep Look Into the Socioeconomic Love Patterns In the Disney Movie, D2: Mighty Ducks. Let me tell you folks, this is a great book and a nabbed a once in a lifetime interview with Emilio Estevez. If you have room on the bookshelf, do me and do yourselves a favor by adding this book to your collection. I also had the privilege of going on a book tour in Europe with my dear friend, Nicholas Sparks. As you may recall Nicholas and I went on a backpacking trip along the paths of Italy this summer and it was good to be reunited with an old friend. We shared many amazing experiences including me having the privilege to read my new book to the Queen of England.

Well this week instead of answering some questions I thought it would be helpful to compile a guide to classic romantic movies you can watch with your significant other this upcoming Valentine’s Day. This is a sure-fire way for you to rekindle some of the spark you may have lost during the busy holiday season or because of the depressing February weather. Let’s get started!

Forrest Gump

Not only is this movie one of the all-time greatest romances, it’s one of the all-time greatest movies ever! Better than Citizen Cane! This movie really pulls at the heartstrings. Tom Hanks plays the sort of character he is usually typecasted as, great men in unfortunate situations (Just think of his character in Philadelphia with aids or his character in The Da Vinci Code with that haircut). Watching this movie with your partner will provide plenty of laughs and before you know you will be sobbing (or maybe snogging) all over each other. Just a word for the wise, do not attempt to hold your partners hands during the Vietnam scenes. Chose either to make the move before or after but not during the Vietnam scene. Vietnam wasn’t really that romantic.

Casablanca

Holy cow, folks. Casablanca is like the Bible of romance movies. Casablanca is like the Michael Jordan of romance movies. Casablanca is like the Ken Jennings of romance movies. It is IMPOSSIBLE to watch this movie without growing more in love with the person beside you (which is a good reason not to watch this movie with someone you have absolutely no intention of dating). Have you ever seen a couple where one person is extremely attractive and the other person is not? Have you ever wondered why? This movie is the reason. Somehow that “other person” got the very attractive person to watch Casablanca with them. If you are someone who is unattractive, you should really try to use this strategy. It never fails. This movie really tugs at the heartstrings.

A Goofy Movie

Casablanca may be considered the greatest romantic movie of all time, but there is no doubt that A Goofy Movie comes in a close second. And I mean a close second. Not only is it a fantastic movie, but A Goofy Movie has the greatest soundtrack of all time! Based on a true story, A Goofy Movie portrays the journey of Max Goof as he tries to impress his crush and his cross-country trip with his Dad. It really tugs at the heartstrings.

Well there you have it. Chose any (or all) of these three movies and you are guaranteed to have the best Valentine’s day ever! You will have the Michael Jordan of all Valentine’s Days! You will have the Ken Jennings of all Valentine’s Days! These movies are sure to tug at the heartstrings. Also, I wanted to say Happy Birthday to Love & Relations Relating to Relationships as we celebrate one year here at the L&RRTR headquarters.

Sportz!

Welcome again, readers! I hope it was scary how good your Halloween was. Personally, I had a great one. I had the honor of attending a really great Halloween dance party with some good friends. With a colorful T-shirt and a baseball hat worn sideways, I went dressed as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. At the party, Will Smith told me how much he loved my costume and I shared a few dances with Cameron Diaz and Meg Ryan. All in all, it was one the best Halloweens. Enough of the Halloween talk, how about some questions?

Dear Dr. Crews,

I am having a hard time communicating with my husband. Here’s the problem. My husband is a huge sports fan and I am not. His idea of “quality couple time” this week has been watching the World Series. And I hate baseball. On Sundays all he does is watch football and talk about the “glory days” when he played football in 5^th grade. He says it was the best time of his life. The only game I’ve ever been a part of is monopoly and I’ve never finished. We went out to eat for dinner the other night. When we pulled up to the restaurant it was obviously full and we would have had to wait for a couple hours. Immediately upon seeing all the cars my husband shouts, “Audible! Red Audible! Steak N Shake! Set…Hit!” I have no idea what he is talking about.

Please help us!

Cindy Binford, Fort Tellinton, Minnesota

Well Cindy, it seems like you have a tough situation on your hands. Here is what I think you should do. You need to immerse yourself in the world of sports. You obviously love your husband so, although you hate sports, let the love for your husband drive your endeavors on the ball diamond and the basketball court. I’m not just going to leave you hanging, though, here are some suggestions that will enable you to connect with your husband a little bit better.

Coach A YMCA Basketball Team

Do you have a son or daughter? If you don’t you could always adopt or do something like Keanu Reeves in Hardball. After you have obtained a child somehow, sign them up for a YMCA basketball team and volunteer to coach it. Before the season make sure you read plenty of books like The Dummy’s Guide to Basketball, The Idiot’s Guide to Coaching Basketball, and A Season on the Brink. Now that you know all the fundamentals of basketball, it’s time to take your team to the championship. The night before every game, sit the team down and watch “Hoosiers” together. Also, make sure you watch plenty of Youtube videos of Bobby Knight so you will know how a real coach acts. Don’t be like the other YMCA coaches, great parents first, coaches second. You need to be out on the floor, in your kids face, screaming your head, cursing the parents of the other time, and throwing things onto the court. That way you’ll really be able to appreciate the depth of the sport and in turn be able to communicate with your husband better. I guarantee you will already start to feel like your heart beats at the same time.

Hang Out With “Da Boyz”

Everyone knows that there are only two things that men think about and talk to each other about: sports and Star Trek. We already know your aren’t having a Star Trek problem with your husband, but hanging with “da boyz” will provide ample outlets for you to obtain sports knowledge and a sports worldview. Go to Bdubs or a local pub to “catch some brewskis” and chat it up about the wide world of sports. Ask them what they thought about D-Wade’s perform last night or if they saw that sick play by CP3 (not a Star Wars character). Do they think “the Boys” will be able to capture first in the NFC East? Can North Carolina repeat? These are the types of questions you need to ask them so that you can go home and talk with your husband about them. That way when you snuggle in bed with husband, you won’t feel like there is a 3^rd and a mile distance between you, but rather like it’s 1^st and goal.

Watch “The Natural” Together

This will be a great way to connect with your husband. Grab a blanket, throw some popcorn in the microwave, and get ready to see the emotional side of your husband. When Roy looks to the batboy and says, “Pick me out a winner Bobby”, don’t be surprised when you and your husband reach for the tissue box at the same time. Also, this is going to clear up the confusion when you used to ask your husband at the dinner, “Which pork chop do you want?” Women love seeing their hubbies cry and I guarantee watching “The Natural” is a sure fire way to make this happen.

I hope this helps, Cindy. Remember, a good back up plan is to watch Sportscenter as much as possible. Well, that is all for this week, readers, but let me leave you with these proposals. Go outside! Throw the pigskin around! Play some catch! Kick a few goals! And make sure you remember, forever, the night you played the Titans!

Scary Couples

Welcome to the fall, readers! We in the National Love Association greatly anticipate the fall season. It is full of bonfires, hayrides, haunted houses, and plenty of other flirting opportunities. Naturally, this is a season where the skills of a Love Doctor thrive. I would also like to make a point that this is the 10^th Love & Relations article! It’s hard to believe that only 9 months ago the cries of the lonely and love challenged inspired me to create this article.

Well, not only is it fall, but also Halloween is just around the corner! This week’s article will not include a question because from time to time I like to highlight special relationships and feature them in the article. Some of you long time readers might remember the special feature on bromances last year. Since Halloween is coming up, I would like to highlight some especially scary relationships. Woooowhhhooowhooo! That was suppose to be a terrifying sound a ghost makes. I hope it worked. I hope you jumped a little bit or got a cold shiver or you arm hair started to raise or you said, “Man that was scary!”, any one of them. Just as long as you were scared…………….Anyway, so Halloween is coming and here now are some scary relationships that are sure to leave you in a cold sweat and make you sleep with the lights on.

Lizzie & Dave Borden

The rhyme goes, “Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her father 40 whacks. When she saw what she had done she gave her mother 41.” Now someone please tell me how it wouldn’t be scary to be married to this lady. Your wife does something so sinister that there is a jump rope rhyme dedicated to it. Jump ropes aren’t usually thought of to be scary but think about this: every time you jump rope, you have a high probability of being decapitated. Now that’s scary and I’m not just making stuff up, that’s statistics. Not many people know this but Dave Borden was a little bit of a celebrity himself. He was wildly popular for being the inventor of the Toaster Strudel but quickly forgotten after the horrific news of his wife’s killings reached the world. Dave slipped into the shadows to avoid being associated with his wife but he continued to invent things (the Breakfast Toaster Strudel, Pizza Toaster Strudel, Crab Cake Toaster Strudel, General Tso’s Toaster Strudel, and gum). However, it will be his wife, Lizzie Borden, who will always be remember when there is a scary story that needs to be told around a bonfire.

Edgar Allen Poe & Virginia Clemm

Edgar Allen Poe was a magnificent poet, short story writer, and a Grade-A weirdo. There is no doubt that this has to be the strangest relationships to ever have existed (bar Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey). Can you imagine this conversation at the dinner table? “Edgar darling, would you like another buffalo wing?” Virginia would ask him. “Nevermore! Nevermore! I’m full.” Weird. Another scary aspect of this relationship was Edgar’s appearance. He was not what you would call “gifted-in-the-looks-department”. In 1835, Edgar married his 13 year-old cousin, Virginia. I probably don’t have to go any farther to explain how scary this relationship is.

Ray and Debra Barone & Doug and Carrie Heffernan

Now here are two relationships that continually give me the shivers! I am in absolute fear of the wrath of these two wives. I think we are all familiar with the situation, Ray and Doug participate in some wacky plan to sneak out golfing or find a way to watch a ball game with the fellas without their wives finding out. Here’s the thing, the wives always find out! What is scary is how they always know. What is scarier is their reaction to their husband’s stupidity. Debra has an angry stare that will make the viewer pee their pants. Carrie is one of the most physically intimidating women I have ever seen in my life. If I were to be caught in a dark alley with an angry Carrie, I would curl into a little ball and pray that Sweet Jesus would some how save me from the beating I was about to endure. Yes, these are two caring wives who ultimately always forgive their husbands and give them a big ol’ hug to remind them that they love them, but when they get angry run for the hills! Besides, why can’t a guy just go catch a game with the boys? Am I right fellas? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

Jay-Z & Beyonce

What is scary about this relationship is how awesome they are, what good music they make, and how attractive Beyonce is. Jay-Z may have 99 problems but he is most definitely right in saying his “woman” ain’t one. I mean seriously, this has to be one the most artistically explosive relationships to exist! So many hits! Jay-Z just leaks cool and Beyonce has the voice of an angel, an angel with some sista soul power. I just can’t see how it’s a hard knock life for these two. As many of my readers know I have taken a vow of celibacy, but not many people know I did this because Beyonce got married and my hopes were lost. Although Jay-Z is extremely awesome, don’t you ever for a second get to thinking that he’s irreplaceable. If the Jay-Z and Beyonce broke up, I for one would like to be that replacement. No disrespect Jay-Z. Having said that, it is most likely that these two will continue to kick out the tunes and be a scary awesome couple. If you agree with me, just raise your hand to the left, to the left.

Well there you have it, some scary relationships that will leave you with nightmares, wanting to sleep at the end of your parents bed, and bouncing to “Big Pimpin”. Until next time, I hope this Halloween leaves you with plenty of candy when you go trick-or-treating. Remember to check out the L&RRTR blog and to join the facebook group. Peace up, A-town down.

Tales of Instant Messager Relationships

Hello faithful readers! The weather has begun to turn cold and fall has made its presence known. What a perfect time to light a bonfire, grab a pumpkin pie blizzard, and snuggle up with a loved one.

 

I would like start off this week’s column with a new segment. It’s the official L&RRTR Trivia Time. If you can correctly answer the weekly trivia question presented in the column and you email the answer to me at 200806058@panthers.greenville.edu, you will receive a shout-out in the next column and a personalized letter from me, Dr. Crews, or Michael Jordan in your campus mailbox, whoever is available that week. And Michael Jordan is usually pretty busy. So here is this week’s question: What is my favorite holiday? Again, if you can answer this question correctly, email me and receive your shout-out and free prize. Now, for our weekly love question:

 

Dear Dr. Crews,

 

On September 28th at 12:05 in the morning, a new message came into my inbox that I need help with. You see, it is from a guy who used to pursue me my sophomore year of high school; long distance type of thing. We instant messaged for a while, but I soon realized that we had a difference in interests, so I kind of ended it. I haven't heard from him in years, and then this message came: "Hey completely random but I had a dream about you last night lol but just thought I'd say hi! Hope all is well." Dr. Crews! What does this mean? Do you have any wisdom concerning dreaming and ex-interests? Should I dare to respond? If so, what advice do you have concerning the content of the response? I am very much so in love with my boyfriend, Jason, so I don't want to "encourage" another pursuit...

 

Facebook freakout,

Sarah Beth Meyers

Warrenton, Missouri

 

Sarah Beth, what a great question. This is a situation that us doctors in the love field get quite regularly, particularly with college and high school students. This is what we like to call an IMR (Instant Message Relationship). It definitely gives you the willies and creeps you out a little bit. I believe it would be correct to say that we all have been there. It seems in this particular context, you, Sarah, haven’t spoke to him in years and then, out of the blue, this young man returns and tells you he is having dreams about you. Flattering, yet disturbing.

 

Fortunately, I happened to have written a book concerning IMRs. It’s entitled, The Aim of Love: Relations by the Use of Instant Messaging. This book explores the pros and cons of relationships through the media of the World Wide Web. The pros are meeting your potential spouse through eharmony and the cons are a crap load of creepers, sex offenders, and filthy minded men contain practically free reign over they entire Internet. Surprisingly, you seemed to have come across a con. Now that we have identified that this Internet relationship is not one of the warm, fuzzy feeling kind, we need to move on about how to take care of this situation.

 

There are about three different ways to attack this situation: Aggressively, moderately, and lethargically. The lethargic way would be to ignore him. Although, this particular attack is somewhat effective, it is not ideal and hovers around a 24.7 % success rate, which is not good enough. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is the aggressive attack. This one is difficult to pull off but his highly effective. The technique is you respond to your old friend with a message that says, “Hey, this is Sarah’s sister and I just wanted to let you know that Sarah died in a horrific bowling accident. We are all still grieving pretty heavily. I have access to her account so I can keep everyone informed. Please don’t respond. – Serena.” This approach will of course have to be followed by deleting your facebook account, possibly create a new one under a fake name to keep in touch with loved ones, and stay at home except when you are sure you are at a place that you won’t see him. Like I said, it’s aggressive.

 

If you are not up for either of those techniques, then it seems that the moderate attack is the one for you. In the moderate attack you basically respond to your old friend with statements that sorta, kinda compromise your morality by sorta, kinda lying but it’s not reallllly lying and you ultimately convince yourself that there is no other way of doing it and you have to because you don’t want to lead this guy on and hurt his feelings when in reality you just don’t really want anything to do with him. This is the most common technique. You give him answers like, “Yeah, I’m married. Actually, I am really busy this weekend. I just dropped my phone and it doesn’t work, so there is no use giving you my phone number,” those sorts of statements.

 

With these three attacks, you are sure to put an end to that IMR. Thanks for the question, Sarah. What a relevant question for today’s youth of America!

 

That just about does it for this week’s column. On last thing is an opportunity for all you single-ladies (Beyonce, anyone?) out there. After weeks of badgering on behalf of my roommate to feature him in the article so to remedy his singleness, I have decided to do so. Jarrod Beasley is 19 years young, with a killer beard and a love for metal. In his spare time he likes to put together puzzles, play farkle (thanks to me), watch football, perform in the campus Improv Troupe, and go on bike rides. Jarrod’s top two goals for his tenure at Greenville College are to 1) Receive an excellent education and 2) find his wife. This is your opportunity to meet the boy of your dreams. He can be contacted by facebook or at 618-334-0916.

 

Well thank you again Sarah and good luck Jarrod! As for me, I will see you in two weeks. Join the facebook group and love your neighbor!