Sportz!

Welcome again, readers! I hope it was scary how good your Halloween was. Personally, I had a great one. I had the honor of attending a really great Halloween dance party with some good friends. With a colorful T-shirt and a baseball hat worn sideways, I went dressed as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. At the party, Will Smith told me how much he loved my costume and I shared a few dances with Cameron Diaz and Meg Ryan. All in all, it was one the best Halloweens. Enough of the Halloween talk, how about some questions?

Dear Dr. Crews,

I am having a hard time communicating with my husband. Here’s the problem. My husband is a huge sports fan and I am not. His idea of “quality couple time” this week has been watching the World Series. And I hate baseball. On Sundays all he does is watch football and talk about the “glory days” when he played football in 5^th grade. He says it was the best time of his life. The only game I’ve ever been a part of is monopoly and I’ve never finished. We went out to eat for dinner the other night. When we pulled up to the restaurant it was obviously full and we would have had to wait for a couple hours. Immediately upon seeing all the cars my husband shouts, “Audible! Red Audible! Steak N Shake! Set…Hit!” I have no idea what he is talking about.

Please help us!

Cindy Binford, Fort Tellinton, Minnesota

Well Cindy, it seems like you have a tough situation on your hands. Here is what I think you should do. You need to immerse yourself in the world of sports. You obviously love your husband so, although you hate sports, let the love for your husband drive your endeavors on the ball diamond and the basketball court. I’m not just going to leave you hanging, though, here are some suggestions that will enable you to connect with your husband a little bit better.

Coach A YMCA Basketball Team

Do you have a son or daughter? If you don’t you could always adopt or do something like Keanu Reeves in Hardball. After you have obtained a child somehow, sign them up for a YMCA basketball team and volunteer to coach it. Before the season make sure you read plenty of books like The Dummy’s Guide to Basketball, The Idiot’s Guide to Coaching Basketball, and A Season on the Brink. Now that you know all the fundamentals of basketball, it’s time to take your team to the championship. The night before every game, sit the team down and watch “Hoosiers” together. Also, make sure you watch plenty of Youtube videos of Bobby Knight so you will know how a real coach acts. Don’t be like the other YMCA coaches, great parents first, coaches second. You need to be out on the floor, in your kids face, screaming your head, cursing the parents of the other time, and throwing things onto the court. That way you’ll really be able to appreciate the depth of the sport and in turn be able to communicate with your husband better. I guarantee you will already start to feel like your heart beats at the same time.

Hang Out With “Da Boyz”

Everyone knows that there are only two things that men think about and talk to each other about: sports and Star Trek. We already know your aren’t having a Star Trek problem with your husband, but hanging with “da boyz” will provide ample outlets for you to obtain sports knowledge and a sports worldview. Go to Bdubs or a local pub to “catch some brewskis” and chat it up about the wide world of sports. Ask them what they thought about D-Wade’s perform last night or if they saw that sick play by CP3 (not a Star Wars character). Do they think “the Boys” will be able to capture first in the NFC East? Can North Carolina repeat? These are the types of questions you need to ask them so that you can go home and talk with your husband about them. That way when you snuggle in bed with husband, you won’t feel like there is a 3^rd and a mile distance between you, but rather like it’s 1^st and goal.

Watch “The Natural” Together

This will be a great way to connect with your husband. Grab a blanket, throw some popcorn in the microwave, and get ready to see the emotional side of your husband. When Roy looks to the batboy and says, “Pick me out a winner Bobby”, don’t be surprised when you and your husband reach for the tissue box at the same time. Also, this is going to clear up the confusion when you used to ask your husband at the dinner, “Which pork chop do you want?” Women love seeing their hubbies cry and I guarantee watching “The Natural” is a sure fire way to make this happen.

I hope this helps, Cindy. Remember, a good back up plan is to watch Sportscenter as much as possible. Well, that is all for this week, readers, but let me leave you with these proposals. Go outside! Throw the pigskin around! Play some catch! Kick a few goals! And make sure you remember, forever, the night you played the Titans!

Scary Couples

Welcome to the fall, readers! We in the National Love Association greatly anticipate the fall season. It is full of bonfires, hayrides, haunted houses, and plenty of other flirting opportunities. Naturally, this is a season where the skills of a Love Doctor thrive. I would also like to make a point that this is the 10^th Love & Relations article! It’s hard to believe that only 9 months ago the cries of the lonely and love challenged inspired me to create this article.

Well, not only is it fall, but also Halloween is just around the corner! This week’s article will not include a question because from time to time I like to highlight special relationships and feature them in the article. Some of you long time readers might remember the special feature on bromances last year. Since Halloween is coming up, I would like to highlight some especially scary relationships. Woooowhhhooowhooo! That was suppose to be a terrifying sound a ghost makes. I hope it worked. I hope you jumped a little bit or got a cold shiver or you arm hair started to raise or you said, “Man that was scary!”, any one of them. Just as long as you were scared…………….Anyway, so Halloween is coming and here now are some scary relationships that are sure to leave you in a cold sweat and make you sleep with the lights on.

Lizzie & Dave Borden

The rhyme goes, “Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her father 40 whacks. When she saw what she had done she gave her mother 41.” Now someone please tell me how it wouldn’t be scary to be married to this lady. Your wife does something so sinister that there is a jump rope rhyme dedicated to it. Jump ropes aren’t usually thought of to be scary but think about this: every time you jump rope, you have a high probability of being decapitated. Now that’s scary and I’m not just making stuff up, that’s statistics. Not many people know this but Dave Borden was a little bit of a celebrity himself. He was wildly popular for being the inventor of the Toaster Strudel but quickly forgotten after the horrific news of his wife’s killings reached the world. Dave slipped into the shadows to avoid being associated with his wife but he continued to invent things (the Breakfast Toaster Strudel, Pizza Toaster Strudel, Crab Cake Toaster Strudel, General Tso’s Toaster Strudel, and gum). However, it will be his wife, Lizzie Borden, who will always be remember when there is a scary story that needs to be told around a bonfire.

Edgar Allen Poe & Virginia Clemm

Edgar Allen Poe was a magnificent poet, short story writer, and a Grade-A weirdo. There is no doubt that this has to be the strangest relationships to ever have existed (bar Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey). Can you imagine this conversation at the dinner table? “Edgar darling, would you like another buffalo wing?” Virginia would ask him. “Nevermore! Nevermore! I’m full.” Weird. Another scary aspect of this relationship was Edgar’s appearance. He was not what you would call “gifted-in-the-looks-department”. In 1835, Edgar married his 13 year-old cousin, Virginia. I probably don’t have to go any farther to explain how scary this relationship is.

Ray and Debra Barone & Doug and Carrie Heffernan

Now here are two relationships that continually give me the shivers! I am in absolute fear of the wrath of these two wives. I think we are all familiar with the situation, Ray and Doug participate in some wacky plan to sneak out golfing or find a way to watch a ball game with the fellas without their wives finding out. Here’s the thing, the wives always find out! What is scary is how they always know. What is scarier is their reaction to their husband’s stupidity. Debra has an angry stare that will make the viewer pee their pants. Carrie is one of the most physically intimidating women I have ever seen in my life. If I were to be caught in a dark alley with an angry Carrie, I would curl into a little ball and pray that Sweet Jesus would some how save me from the beating I was about to endure. Yes, these are two caring wives who ultimately always forgive their husbands and give them a big ol’ hug to remind them that they love them, but when they get angry run for the hills! Besides, why can’t a guy just go catch a game with the boys? Am I right fellas? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

Jay-Z & Beyonce

What is scary about this relationship is how awesome they are, what good music they make, and how attractive Beyonce is. Jay-Z may have 99 problems but he is most definitely right in saying his “woman” ain’t one. I mean seriously, this has to be one the most artistically explosive relationships to exist! So many hits! Jay-Z just leaks cool and Beyonce has the voice of an angel, an angel with some sista soul power. I just can’t see how it’s a hard knock life for these two. As many of my readers know I have taken a vow of celibacy, but not many people know I did this because Beyonce got married and my hopes were lost. Although Jay-Z is extremely awesome, don’t you ever for a second get to thinking that he’s irreplaceable. If the Jay-Z and Beyonce broke up, I for one would like to be that replacement. No disrespect Jay-Z. Having said that, it is most likely that these two will continue to kick out the tunes and be a scary awesome couple. If you agree with me, just raise your hand to the left, to the left.

Well there you have it, some scary relationships that will leave you with nightmares, wanting to sleep at the end of your parents bed, and bouncing to “Big Pimpin”. Until next time, I hope this Halloween leaves you with plenty of candy when you go trick-or-treating. Remember to check out the L&RRTR blog and to join the facebook group. Peace up, A-town down.

Tales of Instant Messager Relationships

Hello faithful readers! The weather has begun to turn cold and fall has made its presence known. What a perfect time to light a bonfire, grab a pumpkin pie blizzard, and snuggle up with a loved one.

 

I would like start off this week’s column with a new segment. It’s the official L&RRTR Trivia Time. If you can correctly answer the weekly trivia question presented in the column and you email the answer to me at 200806058@panthers.greenville.edu, you will receive a shout-out in the next column and a personalized letter from me, Dr. Crews, or Michael Jordan in your campus mailbox, whoever is available that week. And Michael Jordan is usually pretty busy. So here is this week’s question: What is my favorite holiday? Again, if you can answer this question correctly, email me and receive your shout-out and free prize. Now, for our weekly love question:

 

Dear Dr. Crews,

 

On September 28th at 12:05 in the morning, a new message came into my inbox that I need help with. You see, it is from a guy who used to pursue me my sophomore year of high school; long distance type of thing. We instant messaged for a while, but I soon realized that we had a difference in interests, so I kind of ended it. I haven't heard from him in years, and then this message came: "Hey completely random but I had a dream about you last night lol but just thought I'd say hi! Hope all is well." Dr. Crews! What does this mean? Do you have any wisdom concerning dreaming and ex-interests? Should I dare to respond? If so, what advice do you have concerning the content of the response? I am very much so in love with my boyfriend, Jason, so I don't want to "encourage" another pursuit...

 

Facebook freakout,

Sarah Beth Meyers

Warrenton, Missouri

 

Sarah Beth, what a great question. This is a situation that us doctors in the love field get quite regularly, particularly with college and high school students. This is what we like to call an IMR (Instant Message Relationship). It definitely gives you the willies and creeps you out a little bit. I believe it would be correct to say that we all have been there. It seems in this particular context, you, Sarah, haven’t spoke to him in years and then, out of the blue, this young man returns and tells you he is having dreams about you. Flattering, yet disturbing.

 

Fortunately, I happened to have written a book concerning IMRs. It’s entitled, The Aim of Love: Relations by the Use of Instant Messaging. This book explores the pros and cons of relationships through the media of the World Wide Web. The pros are meeting your potential spouse through eharmony and the cons are a crap load of creepers, sex offenders, and filthy minded men contain practically free reign over they entire Internet. Surprisingly, you seemed to have come across a con. Now that we have identified that this Internet relationship is not one of the warm, fuzzy feeling kind, we need to move on about how to take care of this situation.

 

There are about three different ways to attack this situation: Aggressively, moderately, and lethargically. The lethargic way would be to ignore him. Although, this particular attack is somewhat effective, it is not ideal and hovers around a 24.7 % success rate, which is not good enough. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is the aggressive attack. This one is difficult to pull off but his highly effective. The technique is you respond to your old friend with a message that says, “Hey, this is Sarah’s sister and I just wanted to let you know that Sarah died in a horrific bowling accident. We are all still grieving pretty heavily. I have access to her account so I can keep everyone informed. Please don’t respond. – Serena.” This approach will of course have to be followed by deleting your facebook account, possibly create a new one under a fake name to keep in touch with loved ones, and stay at home except when you are sure you are at a place that you won’t see him. Like I said, it’s aggressive.

 

If you are not up for either of those techniques, then it seems that the moderate attack is the one for you. In the moderate attack you basically respond to your old friend with statements that sorta, kinda compromise your morality by sorta, kinda lying but it’s not reallllly lying and you ultimately convince yourself that there is no other way of doing it and you have to because you don’t want to lead this guy on and hurt his feelings when in reality you just don’t really want anything to do with him. This is the most common technique. You give him answers like, “Yeah, I’m married. Actually, I am really busy this weekend. I just dropped my phone and it doesn’t work, so there is no use giving you my phone number,” those sorts of statements.

 

With these three attacks, you are sure to put an end to that IMR. Thanks for the question, Sarah. What a relevant question for today’s youth of America!

 

That just about does it for this week’s column. On last thing is an opportunity for all you single-ladies (Beyonce, anyone?) out there. After weeks of badgering on behalf of my roommate to feature him in the article so to remedy his singleness, I have decided to do so. Jarrod Beasley is 19 years young, with a killer beard and a love for metal. In his spare time he likes to put together puzzles, play farkle (thanks to me), watch football, perform in the campus Improv Troupe, and go on bike rides. Jarrod’s top two goals for his tenure at Greenville College are to 1) Receive an excellent education and 2) find his wife. This is your opportunity to meet the boy of your dreams. He can be contacted by facebook or at 618-334-0916.

 

Well thank you again Sarah and good luck Jarrod! As for me, I will see you in two weeks. Join the facebook group and love your neighbor!

Healthcare Kisses After Bedtime Prayers

Hello Again! Thank you for such the warm support of last week’s column. As I had imagined, many of you have experiences where you can compare your love life with the thrill of roller coasters. As I was preparing for my column, I have noticed several of you responding with burning question. I think the note I hove chosen below highlights best everyone’s concern that has written in. So although I will be writing like I am responding to just Jessica, it really is a column for all of you out there who’s marriage is feeling the same strain as this letter.

 

Dear Dr. Crews,

            I’m writing you because I have found quite the problem between my husband and I. You see, we are divided over the issue of Healthcare. I am for reform and a universal system, supporting President Obama. My husband thinks that the system is the best how it is and is not in support of the President at all concerning this issue. I don’t know. It has lead to much anger and rage in our family. We husband and I begin to dialogue about this issue and it soon turns to me hurling the lamp at him (which, I am said to say, really happened). It really is affecting our family. Please help!

 

Jessica Martz,

Lake Roak, Colorado

 

Wow, what a powerful letter, Jessica. I have spent quite some time thinking about this issue and I hope to find a way for you and your husband could better communicate because it might be the saving grace for your marriage. Luckily for me, since I am not seeing anyone (eh eh eh, call me up ladies?….just kidding, don’t do that) it hasn’t caused a strain in my love life but I think we can all understand this issue in the context of conversations with our family and friends. After all, it is a proven fact that our family and friends just aren’t as intelligent as we are. Let me throw a few suggestions for you and your husband, Jessica.

 

One thing you need to learn is how to have healthy dialogues again. One way you can go about doing this is by asking each other a question that you both already know the answer to. That way, there is no dispute about the answer and you are both able to dialogue civilly and not blow up at each other. For example, if you ask your husband, “Which do you prefer, Lethal Weapon I, II, III, or IV?” He would respond, “Oh, without a doubt Lethal Weapon IV!” Which is, of course, the right answer. “Are you kidding me? Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Joe Pesci, AND Chris Rock?” Then you both will be able to have hours of conversation that you find are enjoyable and you both can agree. If you were to ask him, “Jiff or Peter Pan?” He would respond, “Well choosy moms choose Jiff and I would have to agree with that.” Again, endless and pleasant discussion for you and your loved one.

 

Here is another suggestion that I think you should implement into your family’s life. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. Rabbi’s have this tradition that if you say something three times in a row, out loud, then it becomes written on a star or copyrighted or something to that effect. So go ahead say it out loud. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. Never talk about politics. If your husband asks you, “Did you hear what President Obama said today?” You should respond, “I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that name.” Your husband, “Jessica are your messing with me?” You, “Ohh! I just remembered I forgot Stacy at soccer practice!” Crisis averted. You run out of that house like bobcat and drive towards freedom. And honestly, you should probably just do that every time you start talking about politics. Of course, you are going to have to think of a lot of excuses and keep them in your blackberry. This way all of your conversations remain stress free and you will find that you and your husband are reaching new depths of love.

 

One last suggestion that should be helpful for you is to drop healthcare and consider what it’s like to not have it. I really am not in the position to say which policy is best or who is right and who is wrong. My expertise is in love, not government, but perhaps you might consider both viewpoints of the argument. That’s what we do in the Love and Relations field. Perhaps you might find the some blessings in what you have now. Perhaps you might find the difficulty of not having it. Perhaps to the answer to “Should healthcare be reformed or should we keep the system we have?” is yes. Again, I know nothing concern American government so you should talk to people on both sides of the argument. To quote my great friend, G. K. Chesterton, “The truth is that people who worship health cannot remain healthy.” Perhaps that applies to healthcare as well.

 

Well there you have it Jessica and all the other readers who were brave enough to write in. I truly appreciate it! Keep sending your questions and I will answer them as best as I can. Don’t forget to check out the facebook group Love & Relations Relating to Relationships or the blog http://relationsrelatingtorelationships.blogspot.com/. This one is dedicated to my homies.

Rollercoaster Love

Hello Lovers! I hope you had an excellent summer full of long walks on the beach and strolls through fields of white flowers. I, for one, am extremely excited to be joining the staff for another year of teaching all the young and impressionable Greenville students about the ins and outs of relationships. I was fortunate enough to spend my summer traveling along the paths of Italy with non-other than the world-renowned romance author, Nicholas Sparks. We had many insightful conversations that had a major influence on his new book, When Love Collides. That book should be hitting the shelves late January of 2010. As fascinated as I’m sure you are about my summer, I know the real reason why you have come to read this column and that is to receive some advice about love and relationships. So let’s get to it!

 

Dear Dr. Crews,

 

To end the summer with a bang, my boyfriend and I spent our last day together before returning to college at an amusement park. It was such a great time! At one point we both decided to go on this very big and very fast rollercoaster. It was such an experience! So joyful! What Ecstasy! I couldn’t help but think, “Is there some greater truth here about our relationship on this ride?” I have been wondering ever since. Please tell me!

 

Sincerely,

Sally Thomas, Rolling Hills Nebraska

 

Dear Sally,

 

You would not be the first to have deeply blissful experience and inquire about there being some larger truth at hand. To answer your question, yes! There are many things in life that can tell us about relationships. In fact, what you experienced was one of the most powerful. Rollercoasters and theme parks can tell us so much about relationships and dating. When I received your question, I immediately emailed my friend and colleague, Johannah Swank, because she just recently wrote a book entitled, Six Flags and Butterfly Kisses. Here is a list of analogies drawn from Ms. Swank’s book that may help shed some light about relationships for you:

 

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: You have to get on and hope you don’t throw up

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: Always eat a few burritos before you go

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: People cling to each other more out of fear than love

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: Sometimes you have to wait in a long line to do something that wasn’t really that fun

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: You get disoriented for all the twists and turns and have to pee when it’s over

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: Sometimes when you look back at the pictures after it’s over, all you see is middle fingers

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: Sometimes you are buckled in too tight

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: You have to be a certain height

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: It’s like taking that first dive under the bridge and you think you’re going to be decapitated

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: That soccer mom’s scream starts to make your ears bleed after awhile

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: There is a lot of body odor and sweaty palms

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: You should probably take off your hat and sunglasses

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: It gives your stomach thrills

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: I wonder if I left my hair curler on

·         Love is like a rollercoaster: It makes you want to kiss someone

·         Love is like a theme park: It costs a lot of money

·         Love is like a theme park: There is always one Amish family

·         Love is like a theme park: it’s busiest on summer nights

·         Love is like a theme park: When you dress up in a costume, you look like an idiot

·         Love is like a theme park: The worst is walking in wet sneakers

·         Dating is like a theme park: There are a lot of funny looking people out there

 

There you have it, Sally. I hope some of these analogies help you understand love and your relationship with your boyfriend a little better. Keep looking for these analogies and greater truths. They are everywhere in life.

 

Thanks for your great question! If you, the reader, or anyone else has questions concerning love and relationships feel free to email me, Dr. Crews, at 200806058@panthers.greenville.edu. Also, don’t forget to join the facebook group Love & Relations Relating to Relationships. In the meantime, get out there and go love someone!

Help! My boyfriend looks like a president!

Dear Dr. Crews, 

I have a problem. My boyfriend looks like John Tyler, the 10^th President of the United States. I just can’t get over it. At first I didn’t notice but a couple of weeks ago it struck me in American History class. I know it’s low to think of him differently because he looks like a President but, like I said, I cannot get over it. What should I do?

 

Rebekkah Longington, Montreal, Canada

 

I’m sorry but I don’t understand the question. It seems to me like you are complaining that your boyfriend looks like John Tyler, the 10^th President of the United States. Honey, compared to modern day, that is like saying, “Please help me! My boyfriend looks like Brad Pitt” or “I can’t stand it. My boyfriend has ripped abs like Orlando Bloom!” You just don’t complain about that. Your boyfriend has been blessed with something so rare and so special. Maybe you don’t understand it because you are missing the historical context. Maybe a little history is in order.

 

John Tyler, the 10^th President – A Brief History Lesson

 

John Tyler (President from 1841 to 1845) was what we would call today a rock star. He was known for his wild antics and cult-like following. His following was largely due to his fine cut looks. Many scholars say that there wasn’t and haven’t been anyone near as handsome as Tyler was. Many scholars doubt there ever will be.

 

John Tyler was a living legend but his fame has declined over the ages due to a secret society with a pro-Martin Van Buren agenda that has led a smear campaign against John Tyler’s legacy. When Tyler gave presidential speeches there were like huge concerts. The concerts were so big they gained the name Tylerpalooza (Greek for outrageously enormous gathering in honor of Tyler). These gatherings are what inspired today’s rock festival Lollapalooza. These speeches/concerts were filled with stage diving, crowd surfing, beach ball throwing, and water bottle throwing patriots. Actually a little known fact, they use to record John Tyler’s speeches on records and sell them. Three of Tyler’s State of the Union addresses went platinum and in 1844 Tyler won the Grammy for record of the year. Elvis Presley is the only American artist to top John Tyler for most number one hits.

 

Parting with the traditional black and white suits most US Presidents wore, John Tyler wore pink and blue tuxedos with aviator sunglasses in public while, like Thomas Jefferson, he wore overalls while working in the White House. Just a hint into what a good looking man John Tyler was, he was voted People’s Sexiest Man a record setting five times! Now try telling me he isn’t good looking.

 

After his presidency, he continued to be a huge sensation. For the first time in 1846 he toured Europe where he was meet with so much more than just open arms. Even though the motorcycle wouldn’t technically be invented for another 80 years, he rode from country to country on a motorcycle prototype that the C.I.A. had made for him. During this period, the relationship between England and the United States had never been better. It is rumored that the Queen of England was considering divorcing her husband to marry John Tyler, after which he would be declared the king of both England and the United States (if this would have happened, the U.S. would have to turn into a monarchy according to the Constitution). Alas, it never happened and we continue to be a democracy.

 

Tyler returned to the states around 1851. There slowly faded from the limelight. He continued to put out best selling records and even wrote a few books. Because of so much attention due to his attractiveness, he faked his own death in 1862 and quietly moved into the foothills of the Appalachian in southern Ohio. There he continued to write books, developed a close relationship with Ernest Hemingway in 1920’s and finally died in 1941 at the age of 151 years old. His legacy will forever live.

 

So do you see what I’m talking about, Rebekkah? This is something that should be celebrated! I’m sure that once you look up a picture of John Tyler on Google images you’ll find that your boyfriend is actually pretty attractive. As for the rest of the readers, don’t forget to join the facebook group Love & Relations Relating To Relationships. Keep on loving, you lovers! 

Hello and Happy Holy Week! Before we start delving into this week’s question I wanted to say a special something to my friend and fan of the column, Sugiyama Ai from Japan.

こんにちは! それはあなたに先日よい話すことだった。 私はテニスのマッチでよく遊んだことを聞いた。 新しい映画で凝視していることそれは本当であるか。 それは実際に涼しい。 ホットドッグのホットドッグのホットドッグ。 私は私が昨晩身

Here is the question of the week:

Dr. Crews,
I have been hesitant to write, but I don’t know who else to turn to. Could you address some of the questions I’ve been thinking about? I am in a love dilemma! My boyfriend invited me to his house for the first time in a couple weeks. Like oh my God, I’m so nervous! Have never met his family before and we’ve been “dating” for a couple of months (…off & on…). What should I pack? What are some things I could do to really impress his mom? …So…after his parents go to bed, it will be our first real alone time together (outside of the dorms). What do you suggest I do? Ah!

Super Nervous, (but excited!)
Anonymous

Anonymous Girl,
Ahh, the first weekend at the parent’s house. I was recently having a conversation about the same topic with some Greenville seniors, Anna Wagner and Travis Hall. Before I tell you my thoughts, here is a little bit of the advice that Anna had for you, “LiKe OH mY GoD, gUrl, tHErE is liKe NoTHiNg ThAt U nEed 2 sWEat, LOL. JUs pLAy It cHIll N NeWaY hIs mOM wIll liKe toTAlly LylaS! :-)” Great advice from a great mind.

Here is the first thing that jumps out at me and causes me a little concern. You put dating in quotation marks like you kind of are and kind of not dating (or as you said off and on). No doubt, if you told me this in person you would have used you pointer fingers and middle fingers to simulate a quotation mark in the air. Before you head to his house, you really need to figure out if you guys are dating or not. How embarrassing to think that you are dating only to be introduced as “just a friend, Mom and Dad. We are DEFINITELY not dating and I hope she wasn’t thinking that. We are just friends.” You really don’t want to walk into that kind of a situation.

So you need to sit down and talk with your boyfriend you make sure that are actually dating. Some colleagues of mine have even suggested to check your facebook relationship status and make sure it is set on “in a relationship” and not on “single”. If your status is set to “It’s complicated”, whoa, do you have some storms on the brink of your relationship. If your status is set to “engaged” or “married” you probably want to cancel that weekend and get out of that relationship as soon as possible. He might be a little too clingy.

Before you have your talk with your “boyfriend”, here are some questions and inspirational sayings that you might want to go over first:
o It's never to late to be what you might have been.
o Always eat your dessert first because life is unpredictable.
o No guy is worth your tears and the one who is wont make you cry.
o Its not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
o If you live forever, I want to live forever minus one day, so I never have to live a day without you.
o Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
o Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.
o You Kiss Many Frogs Before You Find Your Prince
o It's ok to be kissed by a fool, but never be fooled by a kiss
o Love isn't finding someone you can live with, it's finding someone you can't live without
o Every Girl wants a guy who can go to in her sweats, hair a mess, make-up running down her face, eyes red form crying and the 1st thing he says to her is "Baby, ur beautiful" and means it!
o The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart
o Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.
It is true that most of these sayings can be found on the myspaces of most 13-15 year old girls, but nonetheless, they are helpful for deciding if your relationship is worth pursuing.

Now addressing the first question you ask, what should I pack? Since most weekends are three days long (although sometimes there are four days and every four years in February there is a one day weekend) I would suggest wearing casual clothes Friday, Sunday clothes Saturday, and then a real formal dress for Sunday. This way, you can progressively become more beautiful with each day. Never wear white socks. Don’t forget a tooth brush, tooth paste, comb, blow dryer, extra pair of sandals, jacket in case it’s cold, a good book, cell phone charger, matches, fire wood, jumper cables, GPS, bottle of water, map of the United States, a tent, flint, and your teddy bear. You should be set with those few items.

There are some things that you could do that would be impressive such as performing a song, tap dancing, making music with Champaign glasses (Miss Congeniality, anyone?), however, I feel that the most impressive thing you could do is juggling bowling pins that are on fire. That would do the trick. That or just hold a plain conversation with his parents that isn’t at all awkward. That would be really impressive.

Now that the parents have gone to bed and you and your boyfriend are all alone for the first time, it is time to start preparing for an elaborate prank to pull on his parents. It may take a while to think of one but I’m sure you will be able to do it. Perhaps a prank phone call? (“Do you have King Albert in a can?…Then you better let him out!”) Perhaps crack their door open and place a bucket of water above the door? (“Mom! Dad! The house is on fire!”) Perhaps shaving cream on the hand to the face? Anything that is hilarious and full of hijinks.

Well I hope this helps you Anonymous girl and please write back and tell me how it went. As for the rest of my readers you can now join the facebook group Love & Relations Relating to Relationships or if you want to read past articles and view super-special online extras, go to http://relationsrelatingtorelationships.blogspot.com/. Thanks and I hope to hear from you soon!

Tips for Flirting

By: Dr. Nathan W. Crews

Hello, once again! This week I received two separate emails pertaining to the same question. Of those emails, one was from a male and the other from a female, which is perfect because it gives me a chance to handle this issue from all perspectives. Here we are:


Dear Dr. Crews,
As a college student, there are many things in my life that have needed to be adjusted to a collegiate lifestyle. My writing has needed to improve. My study methods have had to be increased to an acceptable college level of education. I was wondering if you could help me improve my flirting skills to a collegiate level?

Thanks,
David Wilson, Ontario, Canada

Dear Dr. Crews,
I am a junior at Arkansas State University. Of all my three years at college here, I do not feel that I have got a good feel for how to flirt well. I was wondering if you could give me any advice for how to flirt with cute college boys?

Thanks,
Britnay West, Woodcreek, Arkansas


Thank you Britnay and David, these are excellent questions. I feel that college students enter college with inadequate flirting skills and often leave without inquiring them. To flirt well is difficult and takes much practice but perhaps a few simple tips will help you make tremendous headway. I have divided some of these tips into different situations that many students find themselves in at college. Let us begin:

Apples to Apples:
A popular game amongst college students, Apples to Apples brings up a multitude of flirting opportunities. I would first suggest that as a group begins to form a circle, make sure that you are sitting next to the one you like. Even if you have to run and dive across the room, angering some people in the process, this is a necessary step. Make sure you introduce yourself. You might be saying to yourself, “But I have known this [young man/young women] for quite some time now”. It doesn’t matter, it is always best to reintroduce yourself. For our Greenville College readers, this is also an excellent time to list your top five strengths and all the strengths that you think you should have received but your not sure why you didn't get them.
After you have situated yourself next to the individual, it’s time for the game to start! I would suggest that after the topic has been selected that you quickly look over the other person’s shoulder to see what card they are going to lie down. Make sure you get as close to their ear as possible, you don’t want to accidentally read the card incorrectly. When the cards begin to be read aloud, make sure you laugh really hard at our special someone’s card. Laugh like it is the most hilarious thing you have ever heard. Laugh loud, laugh long, laugh really annoyingly.
Also a few times during the night, perhaps 4 or 5 times, you are going to want to initiate physical contact. My best suggestion is that at some people you place your hand on the other person’s knee for about 3 to 4 minutes. Just keep it there. When the individual looks at you (warning: it may not be a kind look), keep your hand at their knee and look longingly back into the individual’s eyes. This is flirting gold.

Campus Mail:
Here are a few simple ways to initiate flirting while using something as simple as campus mail. My favorite one, and one that is almost a guaranteed success, is coloring a picture of your special person with crayons and sending it to them through campus mail. Not just one, though, more like 30. I would also suggest that these pictures depicted your loved individual doing something like fighting full of valor at the Battle of the Alamo or perhaps what member of the Village People that your loved one most represents. Using stick figures is completely acceptable.

Utilizing Scott Field:
Here is a tip that pertains mainly to our Greenville readers (unless there is another campus with a Scott Field or perhaps you have a friend named Scott Field). When flirting you do not want to go over the top or be over bearing, yet, you do not want your flirting to be so minuscule that it goes unnoticed neither. Here is a tip that finds that perfect balance. Drape banners all the way from the library, across the trees opposite the gym, to the trees in front of Snyder saying, “I LOVE YOU AND I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW!” This is what I like to call “going all out”. Again, this isn’t over the top, but it displays your passion in such a way that it most definitely will not go unnoticed. Be creative! Use anything from the sidewalks to gumballs to the benches to get your point across.

I would like to reiterate that flirting is something that is not acquired over night but takes years of practice. Michael Jordan did not become a great basketball player after one game; he worked hard and became a phenomenal basketball player. However, I hear that he is not so good at flirting. So I suppose that you may have to give up a life of basketball excellence, but it will be worth it. These are just a few simple tips but I assure you, they will take you far!

Love & Relations Relating to Relationships

By: Dr. Nathan W. Crews

First off, I wanted to start this article with a big thanks for the great response to the last article. I’m glad that hundreds of people were able to change their previously lonely Valentine’s Day experiences into a night full of merriment and gaiety. However, this article will be the first of many that I will (successfully) attempt to answer questions submitted by readers. Let us begin!

Hello Dr. Crews,
My name is Anonymous Male #1. I just wanted to say that your advice on what I should do during V-day was absolutely perfect. Before I read your article in The Papyrus, I was so dreary, I could hardly move. I was so depressed that I didn't have a Valentine. But something came up. I was wondering...I have this really good friend back home, we have known each other our whole lives. I was fed up with not having a Valentine, so I asked this person to be mine for this one day. The thing is, that person is also a Male. I have always made time for this person; we played on the jungle gyms in grade school, and wrote papers with each other in high school. So my question is...Is it weird for me to ask my best friend from back home to be my Valentine? Any input would be super. Thanks Dr. Crews!

Anonymous Male #1

Thank you Anonymous Male #1 for submitting your truly perplexing question. It is no doubt that since Valentine’s Day was but a few weeks ago and it may be a while until this question becomes relevant again but I am more than happy to try and answer this question for next year’s holiday of love.

What you are encountering is a feeling that is becoming somewhat of a trend. As one of many Psychiatrists in Love & Relational Relationships, it is a term we like to call “bromance”. According to Urbandictionary.com, bromance is defined as “the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males”, “A non-sexual relationships between two males who are unusually close”, and “A close relationships between two bros to such a point where they start to seem like a couple.” There is an even better description of bromance at the all-knowing Wikipedia.org. What you’re coming across is something quite natural so do not feel alarmed. There is no need to feel weird about asking your male friend to join you in a night on the town, whether it be Valentine’s Day or any other day of the year. To help make this feeling seem more normal to you, let me take you on a tour of some of the world’s most beloved bromances:



Ben Affleck & Matt Damon: It could be said that this is the world’s most famous bromance. They have been friends since childhood and continue to stroll down the red carpet together. These two have starred in countless movies together like ‘Good Will Hunting’, ‘Dogma’, and many others. What better pair is there than Jason Bourne and that tough, young, son-of-a-gun from Armageddon.

C. S. Lewis & J. R. R. Tolkien: Is there any better bromance among great Christian thinkers than C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien? First off, they both were excellent authors, writing books, such as Mere Christianity, The Lord of the Rings, and The Chronicles of Narnia. Second, They both have abbreviated initials for first and middle names, something that all intellectual people covet. And lastly, they were both part of the literary discussion group, The Inklings, where they would spend most of the their evenings at the pub discussing fine literature while having an ale or two. Without a doubt two very influence men in the Christian thought realm and one of the strongest bromances.

Moriah Seaman & Davey Lund: A local bromance that gets to the heart of what bromances are truly meant to be. Once a pair that sported golden locks of hair flowing down to the shoulders, the only way to describe this duo is “indie”. They both can be found jamming in Johannah Swank’s band, The Swashbucklers. Great musicians and even better friends, this is a bromance that is for the ages.

Well, Anonymous Male #1, I hope these few insights and examples can help you with your anguish you are feeling about your dear friend. Don’t be discouraged, keep that head up! A bromance is nothing to be ashamed about! Until next time, please continue to send your questions to Dr. Nathan W. Crews, Doctor of Love and Relational Relationships, at 200806058@panthers.greenville.edu.

How To Handle Valentine’s Day Being Single

By: Dr. Nathan W. Crews



Nathan Crews has an Honorable Doctorate from Harvard in Love & Relational Relations. He has taught at such prestigious universities as Harvard, M.I.T., Princeton, Yale, Oxford, and Hamburger University. Greenville College has the pleasure of having him teach a few classes this semester before returning to his European book tour. He has written such books as Love: Why Do We Spell It That Way?, Relationships Shmayshinships, and How To Watch ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ And Not Cry. His most proud accomplishment was being the Relationship Counselor to the Chicago Bulls from 1990 to 1999. Six-peat baby!



Two things are always guaranteed on February 14th: couples will be walking hand-in-hand, head on shoulder, and acting lovey-dovey and single people will be saving a lot of money. Even though one may be saving a lot of money by staying in, it doesn’t mean that feelings of loneliness, depression, and self-loathing are easy to overcome. However, I have compiled a few helpful tips for how to handle Valentine’s Day while being single and still feel good about yourself. I do realize, though, that because this is Greenville College, I’m writing to a total of about 15 people who go here and aren’t dating or engaged.



1) Since you won’t have any plans V-Day night, you might decide to watch a movie. That’s well and fine but I must warn you don’t watch any movies like The Notebook, Jerry McGuire, or Shrek. Instead watch a movie like Titanic where it ends with a tragic accident where the loved one dies. It will leave you thinking “Wow, that could have happened to me tonight. Good thing I stayed home!” No doubt your confidence will be boosted tenfold.



2) Unless it’s an emergency situation, don’t for any reason go to visit your parents. Sometime during the evening you’ll find yourself sitting on the couch with your PJ’s on, in between your mom and dad watching the 10 o’clock news. This may cause you to take a long, hard look at your life up to this point and it may be something that you’re not ready to handle. It could also result in lots of crying and you may find yourself in bed before most couples have left the Texas Roadhouse parking lot.



3) It’s almost guaranteed that across campus couples everywhere will be holding hands. This may be hard to handle when walking from class to class. So a simple answer would be don’t leave your room. This may involve skipping some classes but trust me, it will be worth it. I will say it again, don’t leave your room. For nothing.



4) Ask someone out on a date. When they say yes, reject them. This is another piece of advice that will boost your confidence and will allow you to be able to say, “Well I could have gone out with Shirley tonight but I had a much finer time by myself.”



5) Make plans to go to the Olympics, see The Beatles in concert, or have dinner with Abraham Lincoln. That way, when people ask you what you are doing on Valentine’s Day, you’ll appear to be busy. However, when evening rolls around you’ll realize that you actually won’t be able to do any of these things and it will allow you to have a nice quiet evening at home.



Well, these are some surefire ways to help overcome the difficulty that Valentine’s Day brings to single people. Follow these easy suggestions and you’ll be certain to have a wonderful V-Day by yourself.



Do you have any questions about love or relationships? Write Dr. Crews at 200806058 @panthers.greenville.edu and he will pick some lucky few to respond to and that will be featured in The Papyrus. Please do so! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!